One of my BFF
just got married last Sunday to her three-year boyfriend. Out of
curiosity—just like how I always am—we talked on LINE and I asked her many
things from their new house to sex. Women my age would react in awe, ‘I wish I
was her and got married soon’. Or at least women my age who are in the period
of wanting to get married real fast would.
But now, sitting
in front of my laptop, writing this, I feel safe. The minute she laughed and
said that it is better for her not to tell me anything about it because it may left
me envied her, I put my cellphone down, stared at the second mini album art of
Monsta X I have been listening to in my laptop, and felt an unfamiliar warmth
crept in. Minutes later, after some LOLs and stickers we have exchanged, we
ended the chat. And it is still there.
Just what in the
world happened to the old ‘oh-I-want-my-boyfriend-to-propose-me-too’ reaction I
got back in my college days when me and my boyfriend were all lovey-dovey?
We’re as lovey-dovey as ever now, entering our fifth year, but I don’t feel the
same urge anymore. Instead I think that it’s great not to get married this year
or next year. I found this weird and sort of scary. Just imagine this: I’m
close to my half twenty, some of my friends got married already, I got a
way-too-good boyfriend, we’re so happily committed that we decided to get
married someday, yet I think it’s safer and better no to get married. How come
the fact that I may not be a normal woman doesn’t scare me?
In a brief look,
it’s easier to keep the status quo, in the comfort zone I’ve been living in so
fondly. Marriage is a whole new universe—if the word ‘world’ is underrated. A
life full of craziness that makes you want to drown yourself in a greasy
kitchen sink your husband spilled the leftover mac ‘n cheese on or to strangle
him in his sleep twice a week because he snores a lot. I wonder where is the
drive to get married and to ‘play house’ I once possessed. Was it poofed when we
were arguing over an unreplied message back then? Did we lose something in the
middle of our long battle of ignorance? Am I tired of the same man that replies
‘me too’ instead of ‘I love you too’ in the end of our goodnight text? I put strikethrough
on every point.
Am I in some
kind of denial? Or is it just me being scared of marrying the same man for the
rest of my life? After some moments of sitting still in front of my K-Pop
playlist, letting the music drumming in my ears while I don’t remember what track
has just played, I figured out what is really happening here. The most possible
answer I can think about is the latter. It is me being scared of the marriage
itself that I feel safe being alone in my bed, listening to the music not many
people around me can relate to, learning SEO online and taking notes. No one
would ask me to put down my earplug or nagging on what I cooked for dinner. No
one would comment on how I chew and why I use fork to eat rice. No one would
say ‘yes, you may’ or ‘no, you can’t’. I can live the way I always want to
live. Period. I’m in my happy place.
It might just me
afraid of taking chances, of whatever joy and happiness that comes with it. I know
very well that there will be other possibilities in one marriage. You can be
happy and you can be sad. Married or unmarried, they will coexist. I’m saving
myself from getting hurt, from anything that may intrude my sacred habits,
while at the same time, I’m losing the chances of being a lifetime company of
my lover, being each other’s life and death.
Marriage is one
inevitable mandate in the society I live in. It would be my fault for not
getting married or getting married late. People will frown at me. I’ll be the
weirdness among all the normality. But, who cares? Let me be weird for a
moment. Chances won’t wait or come twice but that’s what chance is all about.
Disclaimer: the images belong to We Heart It
